Four Challenges Tech Oligarchs Face When Solving the Underpopulation Crisis

Where do we put all the people, Elon?

As I’m sure you’re aware, there is an urgent crisis facing western civilisation that threatens its very future. I’m not talking about climate change, silly. I’m talking about severe, existentially catastrophic underpopulation.

At least, that’s according to the tech oligarchs. And if you can’t trust the rich, then who can you trust? Teachers and scientists? If they’re so smart, why are their salaries so low? It’s like these people haven’t even heard of Bitcoin.

We need to drastically increase the number of people in western countries or else there won’t be enough people to look after the aging population after they retire. Though we’re also supposed to work until death and never retire because stopping work is lazy and communism. Not sure how those two things mesh together but anyway, I trust the tech oligarchs and I’m sure they have it figured out. The important thing to keep in mind is we can’t use public money to look after those old people because that’s communism.

But let’s say we get our act together and kick it off in the Bone Zone. What’s next? Turns out the instructions are pretty unclear, here. Say we aim for a combined population in western countries of, I don’t know, 50 billion or whatever. We still have a bunch of kinks to hammer out in the logistics for this, considering:

You can’t bring in immigrants. That’s Replacement.

Straight off the bat let’s get one thing straight here. If you’re talking about increasing the population of western countries in a hurry, you’re going to want to bring up immigration, you’re going to start thinking that a quicker way to boost the population of an underpopulated country is to let in a bunch of people from an overpopulated country, so let’s nip this straight in the bud right here—that’s off the table. We need good old home grown organic babies made from scratch. Outsourcing it is just… those people just aren’t really the same as us.

I’m not implying anything, here. It's a scientific reality that people of a certain complexion have a higher absolute density, so while it’s true that America can—and must!—fit a billion normal people…

…trying to pack that number of brown people in would just collapse the country instantly. Not feasible, sorry. Country’s full.

But we can mitigate the brown people density issue by just bringing in higher skilled immigrants, right? Well… no, we can’t really have that either. The tech oligarchs’ soothsayers, the phrenologists—sorry, I mean the hereditarians—have come up with reasons that skilled immigration is very bad also and in fact worse.

When we say the population of the west needs to drastically increase—and we’re definitely saying that because of the old people, right, this is about their best interests—we also mean that those people need to share our values and kinda look like us. Otherwise we’d just be swapping out—

Look, I’m not saying Great Replacement. I didn’t say that. You said that. I’m just saying, here in the west we’ve got a situation where a lot of the people coming in from other places are bringing in cultures and ideologies that are repl— substituting ours. And also Elon knows that there’s a certain group of people who are facilitating that, okay, so let’s just move on quickly to…

We can’t give them jobs. That’s not meritocratic.

So we’ve got our billion white people, we’ve got to get them all jobs, right? It wouldn’t be right to prioritise population growth over all other concerns and then, when all these kids grow up in a capitalist society, smack them with the reality that there’s no jobs for them. That would be stupid, right?

Well, you’d think so! But the problem is, see, if we gave these people jobs, it would mess with this really important thing we have called meritocracy. You don’t want people getting jobs they don’t deserve, right?

That would be chaos. DEI hires all over the damn place. Companies can’t go hiring people just because they’re warm-blooded. If we don’t want everything going haywire and planes falling out of the sky then we need to make sure that the people we’re giving jobs to are the best of the best, which means top of their class and also some other qualifying attributes.

Of course you’ve still got no guarantees. The tech oligarchs know that the heart and soul of a functioning capitalist society is downsizing.

There are, quite simply, too many jobs available. It is frankly immoral for a company to employ a large number of people when it can still maintain a rudimentary form of profitable functionality with very few people working long hours in abysmal conditions for minimum pay. Why do we need janitors, for example? If the engineers know how to design an engine then they can figure out a mop and bucket. It’s called being hardcore.

If you’re lucky enough to lock down a job in this environment, then you might not have been careful enough about what you wished for, because you might really be locked down! Without any leave, I mean. The tech oligarchs are dispensing with that as well, including eliminating maternity leave. Which does seem like an odd way of encouraging higher birth rates, but again, I’m sure they know what they’re doing!

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of that minimum pay? That really should be lower. Ideally zero.

Too many people just don’t understand that being paid to work is a privilege. That money, after all, rightfully belongs to your boss, who took the financial risk in the first place and doesn’t want to cut into his modest $56 billion pay package by overpaying a lot of not-strictly-necessary employees who are probably a bunch of liberal cucks.

It’s just common sense—if you take away a company’s freedom to pay people nothing, then the company will be forced to cut back the services it offers, and that doesn’t make any logical sense, now does it? After all, sure, when that Uber driver had a job they could barely afford to survive. Now that minimum wage has forced the company to fire that driver, they can still barely afford to survive but now also you can’t get a ride. You see how that just made things worse?

Freedom is slavery, after all. I read that in a book once. I can’t remember which book but I’m positive whoever said that were the good guys.

Anyway, I can’t pretend to know exactly what the tech oligarchs are planning, but I do know that they’re all building AI projects to further drastically reduce the workforce, so I guess a working population of a billion people isn’t part of the big picture. But maybe we could put our energy into fulfilling mankind’s grander vision, and educating the masses? Well, actually…

You can’t educate them. That’s woke indoctrination.

Back in the days of blissful rose-tinted naivete we used to think that education was a worthwhile pursuit for humanity, and maybe it was once upon a time, but then the wokesters got to it and twisted everything up and now there’s all sorts of rubbish like gender studies, the entire existence of which means that we have to throw out the whole concept of the formal acquisition of knowledge.

The tech oligarchs like Elon Musk know how useless education is. And he should know—there’s a lot of speculation that he doesn’t even have much of one. And why should he, really? He has money, which is the same thing as education. It’s better than education! Could you buy Twitter with education? More to the point, would you buy Twitter if you had an education?

But again, that’s all tangential to the fact that even the important stuff like crypto and NFT coding have been polluted by useless ideologies and pointless stuff that sucks. Ten minutes after you let educated people structure some kind of formal education system you have a bunch of kids running around getting drunk, turning gay and transgender, and voting for the wrong people—usually the people who want to give less power to the tech oligarchs. It’s all useless poison.

But okay, let’s say you’re one of those people who thinks that learning stuff is just automatically better than not learning stuff, no matter what it is. Fine. Let me ask you this: Who’s paying for it?

Yeah, that’s the catch! You’ve got these crippling fees that are designed to discourage people from learning things that aren’t guaranteed to generate wealth via all those jobs that won’t exist due to corporate downsizing by the very people who want us to create way more human beings!

Education is hecking expensive. Made worse by the fact that, due to wokeness overload, universities have to dip into their budget to pay for people like Chaya Raichik to fly all the way out there and counteract it in person. Zoom calls might be cheaper but the excess jet fuel waste helps counterbalance the woke.

Okay so if the jobs aren’t a certainty, then maybe we could let people get their education and, if it doesn’t work out, maybe forgive their debts a little bit so at the very least they’re not punished for trying?’

Uh-oh, did you just suggest using the wealth of our nations and the excess of our labour to educate the population to the collective benefit of the human species? There’s a word for that, buddy, it’s called communism. And it’s failed every time it’s been tried. Just look at Pol Pot, he loved educated people. I assume. Don’t look it up.

There’s some good news on this front, however! The tech oligarchs, praise be to their wisdom, are setting up their own college alternatives. Peter Thiel will literally pay you not to attend tertiary education. Avoid those bullshit basket weaving philosophy courses and take Peter Thiel’s absolutely practical no-bullshit handshakes and eye contact courses instead!

Elon Musk is starting his own un-woke parallel education network as well, deep in the heart of Texas, already known for its enviable lack of both wokeness and education. You might want to try to overlook the fact that the school he already built is transparently a tax evasion scheme. But that’s why he’s smart and not woke.

You can’t give them somewhere to live. That’s communism.

Alright, so you’d be forgiven for thinking this plan to quickly and massively increase the population of western countries is starting to a look a little short-sighted and poorly considered. We are, after all, talking about an immense, uneducated and poorly-paid population of human beings supported by a small employed middle class who have to work until they’re in the grave and even then we might be able to prop their corpse up with a system of ropes and pulleys or something.

Maybe the most important thing we need to figure out first is where to put all these people, because even if they did have a stable job and enough money to buy a home, where would we even put the house? All the available space is taken up already by the oligarchs’ short term rentals and investment properties. And they need those properties, that’s where all their hard-earned wealth is locked up. Where do you expect them to put that money, a bank?

We can’t have all these poor people living on the street, though. Not because we’re concerned about their health and welfare, you understand, but much more because ew. All these snazzy tech startups trying to do their thing in Silicon Valley but they have to step over all these damned homeless people to get to the office. It’s disgusting.

The tech oligarchs know that we need to sweep these people and their hideous tents off the streets even if they have to sue the advocacy groups that are trying to stop that from happening.

So people can’t afford houses themselves, they can’t live on the street, they can’t live nowhere, and you can’t just give them a house, that’s communism. So, in your exasperation you might be tempted to think, what about all those hundreds of thousands of empty investment properties and abandoned houses?

No! Squash that thought! That defies the sanctity of private property. The sacred right for property owners and landlords to keep human occupants away from their rotting plots of land to manufacture housing scarcity and thus drive up the value of said plots of land must be maintained.

The squatting epidemic is reaching crisis levels. By which I mean a crisis for landowners, who are the primary victims of homelessness. Here, let Dr Phil explain:

All the best celebrity psychiatrists concern themselves primarily with stirring up hatred of poor people. The ideal therapy retreat for billionaires is just Dr Phil, Jordan Peterson, and Gad Saad in a room together jerking each other off.

So, all right, let’s run down the list of where this billion extra people are going to be allowed to live: That’s no to sleeping rough, no to affordable housing, no to free housing, and no to squatting. What does that leave us with? Well, how about…

No!! No!!!! Way out of the question! People solving their own problems with ingenuity and building their own shelters with recycled excess? I tell you what, if you want to see a tech oligarch become suddenly and inexplicably concerned about the integrity of structural regulations, zoning permits, and city ordinances, just show them this shit.