Six Baffling Movie Adaptations in Development
Six Baffling Movie Adaptations in Development
From the So-Retarded-It-Can-Only-Be-An-Elaborate-Practical-Joke Department comes the news that Ridley Scott, acclaimed director of Alien, Gladiator, Blade Runner, Thelma & Louise, and every Russell Crowe movie released in the past decade, is adapting Monopoly to the big screen.
Apparently, he's super excited about it.
Now, I can remember exactly one movie in all history that can claim the spurious novelty of having been an adaptation of a board game. That's that Tim Curry Clue movie that played out like a really childish episode of Fawlty Towers. It was ok. The thing about Clue is that it had some vestigial phantom of a plotline to it, which cannot be said about most board games. It cannot be said about Monopoly.
Let me back up here a little and reiterate the original point, because every time it pops into my head I feel like I have to type it out again: Ridley Scott is directing a movie based on Monopoly. If I heard that Jerry Bruckheimer was making a movie based on Hot Wheels, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. It wouldn't surprise me for a moment to hear about Michael Bay's upcoming disaster epic, Chess.
But this is Ridley Scott. This is fucking Ridley-Actually-Knows-What-He's-Doing-Usually-Scott. This isn't Uwe Boll's Monopoly. This is a board game movie made by the guy who made Black Hawk Down. You might be thinking, sure, but a director of such high calibre wouldn't have agreed to this unless they had some really fresh and interesting angle that, dare I say, might even revolutionise the way we think about cinema?
In short, hell to the no. It's just a movie about Monopoly. But don't take my word for it, here's the guy who's writing it, Frank Beddor, who is best known for his work on... well, his primary experience includes... well, he was an extra in an episode of L.A. Law. And he wrote a novel that made Alice in Wonderland into a swords and sorcery epic. And he looks like this:
"I created a comedic, lovable loser who lives in Manhattan and works at a real estate company and he’s not very good at his job but he’s great at playing Monopoly. And the world record for playing is 70 straight days – over 1,600 hours – and he wanted to try to convince his friends to help him break that world record. They think he is crazy. They kid him about this girl and they're playing the game and there’s this big fight. And he’s holding a Chance card and after they’ve left he says, ‘Damn, I wanted to use that Chance card,’ and he throws it down. He falls asleep and then he wakes up in the morning and he’s holding the Chance card, and he thinks, ‘That’s odd.’ He’s all groggy and he goes down to buy some coffee and he reaches into his pocket and all he has is Monopoly money. All this Monopoly money pours out. He’s confused and embarrassed and the girl reaches across the counter and says, ‘That’s OK.’ And she gives him change in Monopoly money. He walks outside and he’s in this very vibrant place, Monopoly City, and he’s just come out of a Chance Shop. As it goes on, he takes on the evil Parker Brothers in the game of Monolopy. He has to defeat them. It tries to incorporate all the iconic imageries -- a sports car pulls up, there's someone on a horse, someone pushing a wheelbarrow -- and rich Uncle Pennybags, you're going to see him as the maître d' at the restaurant and he's the buggy driver and the local eccentric and the doorman at the opera. There's all these sight gags."
Wow, that's... Oh wow. That's just straight copy-paste, by the way, I've left all the grammar and typos intact, including that one place where he says "Monolopy". It's true that that may be the error of the journalist rather than Beddor himself, but I kind of hope not. It's a lot of fun to go back and re-read that paragraph in the voice of an excited five-year-old, complete with overenthusiastic gasps for air.
Basically, this movie is Last Action Hero. Except that instead of a magic ticket sucking a kid into a Schwarzenegger movie, it's a magic chance-card sucking a Monopoly nerd into Monopoly. And while he's in Monopoly, he has to play a game of Monopoly against the inventors of Monopoly. And there's all these sight gags.
This is the pitch that sent Ridley Scott into a headspin, prompting him to respond, cryptically, "What do I have to be part of this movie?"
What indeed, Mr Scott. What indeed.
If these facts haven't sent you reeling into some sub-stratosphere of lower consciousness grappling with the remaining shreds of what once resembled a sane understanding of the world, then here's some more upcoming film adaptations that are, unfortunately, terrifyingly, really happening.
The Sims
I admit I never really understood the appeal of The Sims. I can appreciate that people play video games as a release from their stressful, uninteresting lives, but the enormously popular Sims franchise is just a simulation of your stressful, uninteresting life. You put work, bathing, eating and socialising on hold so that you can keep a little virtual person working, bathing, eating and socialising. It's like your regular day except there's a middle-man.
But at least you're doing something, I guess. At least you're engaged in some sort of activity, which is one thing the game has going for it that won't be present in the upcoming film adaptation of The Sims.
That's the Hollywood market strategy, though. If something is popular, you have to make a movie out of it. It doesn't matter if the source material doesn't exist as part of a genre that involves narrative. The source material could be pants, and you can guarantee there'll be a screenwriter out there who thinks he has a really great idea for a movie about the adventures of pants.
The screenwriter in this case is Brian Lynch, a guy who wrote something called Aunt Fanny's Tour of Booty, and not very much else. He's teamed up with producer John Davis, who brought us Norbit, Eragon and Daddy Day Care. Oh... oh God, no.
Here's what Davis has to say about the story of The Sims Movie:
"A young man, a 16 year old kid of a 14 year old kid and his friend get their hands on this thing called the Sims Infinity Pack," Davis told Collider.
"But what they realize is that they can scan their world in, because this is the most life like, real Sims game ever. And as they are playing this they are all of a sudden realizing is what they are playing on the game is having an effect on the real world," he added.
"It’s wish fulfillment, and obviously it turns against them."
Collider’s writer then made the obvious Weird Science comparison. Davis enthusiastically agreed.
"Exactly. Exactly! And definitely there will be somebody coming out of the game into the real world, like Weird Science did," he said.”
Okay, so it's Weird Science. I get it. You've rewritten Weird Science and you've repackaged it as Sims product placement.
Really, think about this. They're playing a real-world simulator, except that what's happening in the simulator is happening in the real world. That's the most convoluted, overcomplicated description of mundanity I've seen since the idea for Daredevil, the blind man whose superpower is that he can see. Okay, so he's a regular dude, then?
Asteroids
By now you think I'm just drunk and pulling things out of my ass. You're only half right. Universal Studios recently won a four-studio bidding war to secure the film rights for that Atari game from the 70s in which a triangle shoots dots at giant circles.
That's right. Asteroids is such a hot, hot, hot property that four studios wanted it.
Of course, this is sort of just part of the current retro phase where people are spending $70 on brand new E.T. and Sonic the Hedgehog shirts that are manufactured to appear faded. We've seen massive, apocalyptic film adaptations of everything from Transformers to G.I. Joe, so this is the inevitable next step. It's being produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, whose production credits include Transformers and G.I. Joe.
The great thing about Asteroids is that it didn't have a storyline, so the only requirement that the screenwriter needs to confine himself to is the presence of asteroids somewhere in the film.
Bonaventura has this to say:
"It's funny because people say there's nothing in the game, but that's not entirely right" he explained. "I was attracted to Asteroids, plain and simple, because I think what it tells you is that there's going to be this big thing in space."
"We've crafted a really strong, deep mythology for the thing. Without divulging too much about it, it's two lead characters - two brothers - who have to go through a seminal experience to figure out their relationship, against this huge backdrop."
So, Mr Bonaventura, how would you respond to suggestions that you are in fact a crazyperson?
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Hey, remember that old Micky Mouse short about a sorcerer's apprentice who casts a magic spell on some brooms but then the brooms go out of control so he hacks them up but they just turn into little brooms?
They're making that into a movie, now. But instead of Micky Mouse, it has Nicolas Cage. And instead of brooms, it has no brooms.
"An average college student (Baruchel) is reluctantly recruited to work for a sorcerer (Cage), who gives him a crash course in the art and science of magic to prepare him for a battle against the forces of darkness in modern Manhattan."
The film, which appears to slightly diverge from the 1890s poem on which the Fantasia short was based, features Alfred Molina as an evil wizard named Horvath, and Monica Bellucci as Nicolas Cage's love interest. Also, it's now set in modern day Manhattan, and apparently features car chases and huge action sequences. It's a Jerry Bruckheimer/Jon Turteltaub production, who along with Nic Cage, most recently did the ridiculous National Treasure movies that were like a bad modern interpretation of Indiana Jones.
We can expect lots of clever throwaway one-liner references to Micky Mouse, I'm sure, as well as that classical music score from the original animation, which will probably be rerecorded by Limp Bizkit with some rap lyrics thrown over the top. You think I'm kidding, but I'm actually one hundred percent certain that something like that will happen.
World of Warcraft
It was only a matter of time before this one happened. World of Warcraft is the most important thing to happen to videogames since Pong. The sprawling, multiplayer fantasy epic has become a lucritive cash cow for Blizzard Entertainment, who reap monthly subscriber fees from the millions of people around the world who sit at computers twenty-three hours a day making some kind of armoured goblin hit shit with a stick. People have actually died playing this game because they forgot to eat.
So this one doesn't seem that unusual. You've got a phenomenally popular computer game with a built-in audience and a sprawling swords-and-heroes fantasy war story. This one writes itself.
The only problem is--and I'm sorry, let's just be honest here. Let's not shit in each other's stein and call it Oktoberfest. Let's just lay it on the table, here.
It's basically Lord of the Rings. Isn't it.
We just saw this movie.
Sam Raimi is directing, so he'll probably camp it up a little, but we can't really stray too far from the fact that it's all about orcs fighting humans in some massive fantasy battle, and there will probably be a castle, and there will probably be trebuchets, and there will probably be a reluctant hero mentored by some kind of dark warrior with deep psychological issues. It's Middle Earth. Say it.
"At its core, ‘Warcraft’ is a fantastic, action-packed story,” Raimi said in a statement.
Say it.
"Personally one of my favorite movies of all time is Lord of the Rings, which has a PG-13 rating."
There you go.
Risk
So now we come full circle. Back to Parker Brothers. Back to board games. Back to mindblowing inanity. Sony Pictures wants to make a movie based on Risk.
I never played Risk as a kid so I'm not intimately familiar with it, but what I do know is that it's a world war simulation. Players compete in a turn-based imperialistic military scenario, the end goal of which is domination of the globe.
So it's a world war simulation.
Look, I'd have the same complaint if they wanted to adapt Call of Duty to screen. A war movie is a war movie is a war movie. You can inject drama into it, empathetic characters, you can adapt famous battles, create incredible realistic effects, but at the end of the day it's all going to be about the senselessness and inhumanity of war. You're still watching war occur. There's nothing distinguishing Risk from Call of Duty or for that matter Saving Private Ryan, you can swap the titles around and you're still going to wind up with a movie about that one time America battled fascism and won.
They don't seem to have anyone attached at the moment, but the president of the studio said this in a press release which, like all press releases, involves a whole lot of text that doesn't actually say anything.
"Hasbro has already seen tremendous success with Transformers and G.I. Joe and audiences have shown a great desire for films that bring to life everything that has made these franchise properties stand the test of time. The strategic thinking and the tactical gambles that players must take in the game are what make RISK a classic, thoroughly engaging game. Those elements translated into an action-packed, thrilling story are what will make this a uniquely exciting movie"
All right. So we can expect the plot of the film will somehow revolve around a war of some kind. Also, like the game, there will be tactics and strategies. This is what's going to set Risk apart from Band of Brothers, Flags of Our Fathers and Gallipoli.. Tactics, strategies, action, story and war.
I blame Michael Bay for all this, naturally. I blame Michael Bay for a lot of things, but the success of his Transformers nonsense has more or less ensured that the next five or so years of Hollywood are going to be dedicated to resurrecting the 80s in action cinema. I guess they have to run out of ideas at some point, but until then, look forward to Hungry Hungry Hippos and Snap Bracelet: The Musical.
