You Un-Punny Sacks of Shit
F*** Puns
This article was originally published on JuvenileComedy.com, which was a short-lived website run by comedian John Cheese after the rebranding of David Wong’s Pointless Waste of Time as Cracked. John, not his real name, is the real person on whom the character in Jason Pargin’s John Dies at the End series of novels is based. He and I collaborated a number of times. This is the only article that survived.
See what I did there? I replaced one word with another similar-sounding word with a different meaning. This is colloquially known as a pun, and it's widely considered to be the lowest form of humour. Used in moderation (extreme fucking moderation) the use of a pun can actually be amusing. Most of the time, however, it will just make people groan, or laugh politely and secretly consider the consequences of your murder.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, the editors of street newspaper publications got together and decided that every headline they ever write, ever, needs to be a pun.
How many puns can you see here? I count no fewer than five. I wish I made this shit up. It's like the publishers actually have an entire department set up for the exclusive job of writing puns, all day every day. They've made a science out of it. In fact, with the level and intensity of the pun output here, it won't be long before they actually discover the legendary millennial entendre, a phrase laced with so many multiple meanings that it's rumoured that you could recreate the entire history of western literature in a single clause.
Like most people, however, I fucking hate puns. Hate them. Every time I see one, I feel like someone's shredding my face with a cheese grater. A cheese grater made out of dick. You can imagine how I feel when I have a forty minute train ride to and from work, I've left my paperback novel at home, and my choices for entertainment are limited to either engaging in a stare-off competition with the homeless bag-lady across from me, or reading this trash. Every turn of the page is another drink from the fountain of eternal failure.
Let's examine the phenomenon further because I can't end the article right here.
Jude Law has two names! That means they can milk him for two whole puns without exhausting the material.
I think that every newspaper editor in the entire world has been on the edges of their seats waiting for Jude Law to finally do something illegal. They already jumped the gun a bit when he banged his maid and everyone started going on about the "Law of attraction". But this is gold. Jude Law! Arrested! For breaking… the law! Holy shit! See, his name is Law! Get it? Holy fuck! This just about writes itself!
HAHAHAHAHA! We're doing a feature on Johnny's fashion sense. What are we going to call it? Well, he was in a movie once called Fear and Loathing, so I think it's a no-brainer. Never mind the fact that a film about a drug-fuelled road trip has little to nothing to do with this article whatsoever, so what was originally intended as a double meaning turns out to be one meaning and another kind of half-meaning that only makes sense to those who write newspaper headlines. It’s no better than calling it Edward Scissorpants or Pirates of the Collarbean.
But wait, there's more! In the very first line they've churned out another one! Johnny plumbs the Depps! That one's really stretching it. But the writer was so proud of himself that he pulled the phrase from the actual article and used it again on the front page. High-five, team! We're CREATIVE AND ORIGINAL!
What? Are you suggesting it's okay for us to cheat on our spouses? Are you mad?
Ohhh, wait… Hahaha! It's a pun! I didn't see that one coming. They've got a run of little articles in the sidebar here, what a perfect opportunity to rattle off a whole bunch of puns. They're not just in the headlines. Look closely and you'll read about an actor who stabbed himself in the leg being praised for his cutting-edge performance. That's not a joke. It's right there in print.
Imagine if the nail-eating lawyer mentioned in the third piece was actually Jude Law! I think my dick just fell off.
It seems the editor had a problem with this one. He just wasn't sure whether the readers would detect their clever pun. After much deliberation, they decided to enclose the key word in quotation marks. Do you see it? Read it again - it's hard to spot. They also dropped another hint in the tag-line "Branson's E-search". Get it yet? Yeah, I know this can be tricky. Sometimes the art of punmaking can get a little complicated, but stick with me and together we'll get through this.
Ooh! You better wasp out! We're just buzzing with puns today. It's because we're such a bunch of clever cookies. You better bee smart or else our crackerjack jokes will just fly right over your head. I don't mean to make you bite the biscuit here, but our half-baked phrases are just cracking with double-meanings. If you're not careful, you'll be picture of a hand holding a cracker that has wasps baked into it.
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
"Yes, I wanted to talk about your review this week. I liked it, but… how should I put this? We kind of hired you on the condition that each of your pieces is to contain at least one pun."
"Oh…"
"I do see a lot of alliteration in here. That's a nice touch. But it just doesn't have the same punch as a good pun. See, the first three letters of the word punch are p-u-n. I made one just there, and I wasn't even trying. Wait, actually, let me write that down…"
"See, I couldn't really think of any rat-related puns. I did write a good pig-related pun a few years ago when I reviewed Babe. You know… about bringing home the bacon."
"Hehehe… punch… that's great. Oh, what did you say? Yeah… yeah, whatever. Just use that pig thing again."
Oh, what's wrong? Not game enough to think up a pun for a story about a horrendous fatal car accident? You fucking pussies. Why not put your money where your mouth is and exploit this for the full extent of its pun potential? I can think up several off the top of my head. What about Lady Crashes Party, Putting End to Her Korea? No? How about Korean Woman's Car is to Die For? Maybe Local Woman to be Berried after Hitting Fruit Tree. Are you afraid of true comedy gold? Amateurs.